Ever seen that stupid “This is what would happen if a capitalist/communist/socialist owned two cows” meme? If you haven’t, you obviously aren’t nearly as addicted to the internet as I am. Today, however, I have put my addiction to good use and compiled the Premier League version.



  • Arsenal: You have two cows. They’re really nice, but they’re all you’re ever going to get, no matter how badly you need to buy a bull for the herd to thrive.
  • Bournemouth: You have two cows. You still can’t quite believe you even got them, but they’ve been alive and well for a year now.
  • Burnley: You have two cows. They keep running away, but they’re safe for now.
  • Chelsea: You have two cows. You buy 20 more. Within months, they aren’t even yours anymore, but at least you get a massive compensation package.
  • Crystal Palace: You have two cows. You could have had more, but you jumped for joy too soon.
  • Everton: You have two cows. The neighbour has three. If you had eight, he’d have nine.
  • Hull: You have two cows. Similar situation to Burnley, but they’re so volatile that you don’t even know what is going on anymore.
  • Leicester: You have two cows. It looked as if they were going to die mere months ago, but now, you have the finest herd in the land.
  • Liverpool: You have two cows. They’re really great. You replace them with cows that can barely produce milk. You then start bragging about the old cows to hide your self-loathing.
  • Manchester City: You have two cows. You better remember when their mother gave birth to them, because if you forget to give them extra grass on their birthdays, the bull might charge you.
  • Manchester United: You have two cows. You give them away for free and buy the milk for £89m
  • Middlesbrough: You have two cows. You buy a few flashy bulls every now and then, but your herd never seems to grow too much.
  • Southampton: You have two cows. You sell both to Liverpool and buy two more. *repeat*
  • Stoke: You have two cows. The first is a mean-looking one you inherited from the previous owner of the herd. The second is much smaller, but has produced prize-winning milk.
  • Sunderland: You have two cows. Their lives are perpetually at risk in your hands, but somehow, they aren’t dead yet.
  • Swansea: You have two cows. They’re free-range cows because it’s important that they have possession of the grass.
  • Tottenham: You have two cows, but they stop producing milk every May when you want to impress the neighbour.
  • Watford: You have two cows. They’re not bad, but each of your neighbours has a whole herd.
  • West Bromwich Albion: You have two cows. It’s not much, but at least it’s better than your neighbours.
  • West Ham United: You have two cows. You had bulls until last year, but not anymore. That’s not the West Ham way.


*Believe it or not, I’m actually a journalist. Like Leonard Solms on Facebook & follow @LeonSolms on Twitter and leonard_solms_sport on Instagram to follow my work (I promise you can take me seriously sometimes) and more of my nonsensical rants.